Almost every poly person has had the experience of dating someone who previously has only known monogamy. Do that enough times, and you can get really tired of tutoring people through Polyamory 101. Then, when you do find someone who's been in poly relationships before and has the basics down, it's temptingly easy to just revel in it: I'm poly, my new partner is poly — woohoo! We're good to go!

If only it were that simple.

In the context of seeking social and political acceptance, it behooves polyfolk to huddle together under the overarching umbrella of the 'polyamorous' label. We're all challenging the established paradigm together, and introducing the concept is difficult enough without trying to quantify the various ramifications of 'secondary', 'vee,' 'polyfi,' and other specialized terms.

But there is a danger in failing to make fine distinctions on the personal level, within your existing and incipient relationships. There are a great many ways to be ethically not-monogamous, and sadly, they are not all mutually compatible.

If one person's ideal is a closed polyfidelitous relationship while another's is an open and fluid arrangement, there's going to be trouble. If one person wants a very strict hierarchy with a primary dyad, and one wants multiple equal primaries, there's going to be trouble. Sometimes these expectations can be negotiated; other times not. But if you're not jointly aware of the differences, you haven't got a hope.

Even people in solid long-term relationships can fall into the trap of assuming their partners are approaching poly with the same goals and expectations. That's not necessarily the case. Maybe you had a conversation with your spouse ten years ago, when you first opened your relationship, and agreed on the ground rules then. That doesn't mean the whole issue might not rear up and bite you at any point. People grow and change, and your partner may have a different mindset now. Or perhaps they simply know more about themselves and what's really important to them.

You never see more than two people discussing poly terminology without someone piping up to say they object to one set or another. People get twitchy about words and tend to dismiss out of hand the ones they don't like.

Instead of discarding that language, try focusing on it. If a word makes you uncomfortable, use that feeling to figure out more about what issues are important to you.

Dislike hierarchical terminology? Okay, fine. But why, exactly? Do you fear someday being in a secondary role yourself, and worry that your emotional needs may not be met? Are you concerned that giving one partner 'primary' status creates an expectation of more power over your other relationships than you can grant? These are important things to know about yourself and share with your spouse/partner/sweetheart ... as important as learning that he or she derives comfort and security from the 'primary' label, and considers that security essential to your relationship together.